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"Without forgiveness, life is governed by an endless cycle of resentment
and retaliation." - Roberto Assagioli
and retaliation." - Roberto Assagioli
Quote Above...
"Forgiving is loves toughest work, and loves biggest risk. If you twist it into something it was
never meant to be, it can make you a doormat or an insufferable manipulator. Forgiving seems almost unnatural. Our senses of fairness tells us people should pay for the wrong they do.
But forgiving is love's power to break nature's rule." ~ Lewis B. Smedes
"Forgiving is loves toughest work, and loves biggest risk. If you twist it into something it was
never meant to be, it can make you a doormat or an insufferable manipulator. Forgiving seems almost unnatural. Our senses of fairness tells us people should pay for the wrong they do.
But forgiving is love's power to break nature's rule." ~ Lewis B. Smedes
What is forgiveness all about?
We hear a lot about forgiveness, and yet, the process of forgiveness can be very misunderstood. While it is a simple process, it is not easy to do, and as the quote by Lewis Smedes suggests, it can feel very unnatural. To forgive takes courage and inner strength, demonstrating that someone has a powerful commitment to living a life reaping abundance. As to live in a state of "forgiving", increases your life in every way, and leaves you in a state of peace in perfect readiness to receive.
Forgiveness is paramount to living life to its fullest, and all it really takes is to make the choice. To live without forgiving, the quality of our life decreases, it becomes small and changes who we essentially are, turning us into a shell of hate, anger and resentment.
I believe, misunderstandings about what forgiveness involves, is the main reason people are unforgiving. We are encouraged to forgive those who have hurt or wronged us, and yet, we are not told how to forgive, or how it works.
We don’t have to look very far amongst the people we know, to find someone who is unwilling to forgive someone who has hurt them. We can hear it in the tone of their voice, and we can see it in their face. When we are unable to forgive, it changes us from the inside out. It hardens our heart, and traps us in a world that is limited and tainted. Our perception of the world and those around us becomes distorted, because we are looking at it with a heart that harbours resentment, pain and anger. And the anger and pain becomes visible on the outside.
So what is forgiveness, and how do we forgive?
And why is forgiveness vital to us in the first place?
Why should we forgive those who have hurt us anyway?
Different types of Forgiveness
There are different types of forgiveness and I won’t be able to go into them all here. For those with a Christian faith, the gift of forgiveness is between you and God, and while that is important, i am going to talk about the forgiveness between people.
I am focusing on some crucial elements concerning what forgiveness IS, what it is NOT, why we need to forgive and how we do that. I will explain why it is referred to as the gift we give ourselves.
So what is Forgiveness?
The simplest definition of forgiveness that I can give is "letting go of the emotional attachment we have about something or someone that caused us hurt.” It is a decision to let go of the emotional response we have to a past event, person or hurt. It takes a moment to make the decision to forgive, although we may need to revisit our commitment to forgive regularly, until we finally can release the strong hold it can have. In doing so, the benefit you receive is freedom from the past and the pain.
When we hold onto the pain, we are operating from a place of pain, with a closed heart, closed to opportunity.
That's why forgiveness is described as the gift you give yourself, as it is you who benefits. Forgiveness gives you back your life, freedom to live in peace and without the pain from past events.
Forgiveness does not have to involve the other person and often doesn’t. It is something you can do on your own, as the person who caused you hurt, might never know. We do not need the other person’s acceptance to forgive.They may not be in our life anymore, but forgiveness is a necessary part of our healing process. For this reason we can forgive someone who has passed on, as even though someone has gone, the resentment can remain within us, impacting our lives in a very real way.
We hear a lot about forgiveness, and yet, the process of forgiveness can be very misunderstood. While it is a simple process, it is not easy to do, and as the quote by Lewis Smedes suggests, it can feel very unnatural. To forgive takes courage and inner strength, demonstrating that someone has a powerful commitment to living a life reaping abundance. As to live in a state of "forgiving", increases your life in every way, and leaves you in a state of peace in perfect readiness to receive.
Forgiveness is paramount to living life to its fullest, and all it really takes is to make the choice. To live without forgiving, the quality of our life decreases, it becomes small and changes who we essentially are, turning us into a shell of hate, anger and resentment.
I believe, misunderstandings about what forgiveness involves, is the main reason people are unforgiving. We are encouraged to forgive those who have hurt or wronged us, and yet, we are not told how to forgive, or how it works.
We don’t have to look very far amongst the people we know, to find someone who is unwilling to forgive someone who has hurt them. We can hear it in the tone of their voice, and we can see it in their face. When we are unable to forgive, it changes us from the inside out. It hardens our heart, and traps us in a world that is limited and tainted. Our perception of the world and those around us becomes distorted, because we are looking at it with a heart that harbours resentment, pain and anger. And the anger and pain becomes visible on the outside.
So what is forgiveness, and how do we forgive?
And why is forgiveness vital to us in the first place?
Why should we forgive those who have hurt us anyway?
Different types of Forgiveness
There are different types of forgiveness and I won’t be able to go into them all here. For those with a Christian faith, the gift of forgiveness is between you and God, and while that is important, i am going to talk about the forgiveness between people.
I am focusing on some crucial elements concerning what forgiveness IS, what it is NOT, why we need to forgive and how we do that. I will explain why it is referred to as the gift we give ourselves.
So what is Forgiveness?
The simplest definition of forgiveness that I can give is "letting go of the emotional attachment we have about something or someone that caused us hurt.” It is a decision to let go of the emotional response we have to a past event, person or hurt. It takes a moment to make the decision to forgive, although we may need to revisit our commitment to forgive regularly, until we finally can release the strong hold it can have. In doing so, the benefit you receive is freedom from the past and the pain.
When we hold onto the pain, we are operating from a place of pain, with a closed heart, closed to opportunity.
That's why forgiveness is described as the gift you give yourself, as it is you who benefits. Forgiveness gives you back your life, freedom to live in peace and without the pain from past events.
Forgiveness does not have to involve the other person and often doesn’t. It is something you can do on your own, as the person who caused you hurt, might never know. We do not need the other person’s acceptance to forgive.They may not be in our life anymore, but forgiveness is a necessary part of our healing process. For this reason we can forgive someone who has passed on, as even though someone has gone, the resentment can remain within us, impacting our lives in a very real way.
So Why Do We Need to Forgive Anyway?
Forgiveness is about you; it's about you are letting go of the hurt you have been holding onto. You are freeing yourself from the past, the pain, and the emotional connection you have. Forgiveness is about you releasing the memories of a past event, that have a firm hold on your life in a negative and damaging way now.
Why Should I Forgive, They Don’t Deserve It?
This is the biggest reason why most people are unable to forgive. They believe forgiveness is excusing and overlooking the hurt someone has caused you, which is not the case at all.
Forgiveness is not about excusing or saying what happened was OK, and it is not about letting the person who hurt you off the hook. Forgiveness is not determined by whether they are deserving or not, in fact, in some cases of criminal acts where significant damage is done, some people seem undeserving of anything. But fortunately for us, it is not about them deserving forgiveness, but about us deserving to be released from the connection we have to them.
Forgiveness also does not mean you are unable to seek justice legally, or seek financial restitution where financial, emotional or physical damage was caused. These things are about justice and compensation, and have got nothing to do with forgiveness.
Analogy to Explain Forgiveness
When we don’t forgive, it is like we are carrying the other person around on our backs every day, and while at first that load isn’t too heavy to bear, after a while, even a small load becomes heavy and a burden. Imagine carrying someone on your back for many years, and imagine the impact that extra weight would have on your daily life. It would affect everything you did, and soon, that extra weight would be too heavy a burden to carry at all.
Then someone comes along and tells you, you don’t have to carry that extra weight on your back any longer. As you release that weight, by allowing the person you had been carrying around for years, to stand on the ground, your back straightens, and you feel an instant relief. Forgiveness is a lot like this. While we remain unforgiving to a particular person, we are in effect, carrying them around on our backs.
So what is holding you back from forgiving?
What do you gain by not forgiving?
What would happen if you started forgiving the people who had hurt you?
How to Forgive
Forgiveness releases you from the person who wronged you. And this can be done with you making the decision to do so. It is as simple as saying, “I cannot change what happened, I was hurt, I was wronged, and I am now letting it go, so that I can have a better future.”
So after you have decided to forgive, then what happens?
Do we have to have those people who hurt us in our lives again?
In short, the answer is no you don't. Forgiveness isn't about you putting yourself back into an unsafe or abusive situation. It is not about having the people in your life that caused you grief and pain. If that person is not sorry for what they did, and amends have been made, their behaviour is likely to be repeated.
Forgiveness doesn't mean that you have to see or talk to the other person either, and the person who hurt you, cannot prevent you from forgiving them. We often ask someone we have hurt for their forgiveness, but what we are really doing is, telling them how sorry we are and asking them to acknowledge your remorse is genuine and accepting your apology. Similarly, they are able to forgive us, so that they can move past the hurt and pain, without our apology. However, if they accept our apology, it does not guarantee they will allow the situation to be repeatable.
Forgiveness Does Not Mean Being a Doormat
Forgiveness does not mean we are a doormat for anyone, where we knowingly put ourselves back into a situation where we already have been hurt. Staying away from a person or situation being repeated doesn't mean you haven't forgiven, it means, you are protecting yourself from being hurt again. That's sensible.
Forgiveness is about you; it's about you are letting go of the hurt you have been holding onto. You are freeing yourself from the past, the pain, and the emotional connection you have. Forgiveness is about you releasing the memories of a past event, that have a firm hold on your life in a negative and damaging way now.
Why Should I Forgive, They Don’t Deserve It?
This is the biggest reason why most people are unable to forgive. They believe forgiveness is excusing and overlooking the hurt someone has caused you, which is not the case at all.
Forgiveness is not about excusing or saying what happened was OK, and it is not about letting the person who hurt you off the hook. Forgiveness is not determined by whether they are deserving or not, in fact, in some cases of criminal acts where significant damage is done, some people seem undeserving of anything. But fortunately for us, it is not about them deserving forgiveness, but about us deserving to be released from the connection we have to them.
Forgiveness also does not mean you are unable to seek justice legally, or seek financial restitution where financial, emotional or physical damage was caused. These things are about justice and compensation, and have got nothing to do with forgiveness.
Analogy to Explain Forgiveness
When we don’t forgive, it is like we are carrying the other person around on our backs every day, and while at first that load isn’t too heavy to bear, after a while, even a small load becomes heavy and a burden. Imagine carrying someone on your back for many years, and imagine the impact that extra weight would have on your daily life. It would affect everything you did, and soon, that extra weight would be too heavy a burden to carry at all.
Then someone comes along and tells you, you don’t have to carry that extra weight on your back any longer. As you release that weight, by allowing the person you had been carrying around for years, to stand on the ground, your back straightens, and you feel an instant relief. Forgiveness is a lot like this. While we remain unforgiving to a particular person, we are in effect, carrying them around on our backs.
So what is holding you back from forgiving?
What do you gain by not forgiving?
What would happen if you started forgiving the people who had hurt you?
How to Forgive
Forgiveness releases you from the person who wronged you. And this can be done with you making the decision to do so. It is as simple as saying, “I cannot change what happened, I was hurt, I was wronged, and I am now letting it go, so that I can have a better future.”
So after you have decided to forgive, then what happens?
Do we have to have those people who hurt us in our lives again?
In short, the answer is no you don't. Forgiveness isn't about you putting yourself back into an unsafe or abusive situation. It is not about having the people in your life that caused you grief and pain. If that person is not sorry for what they did, and amends have been made, their behaviour is likely to be repeated.
Forgiveness doesn't mean that you have to see or talk to the other person either, and the person who hurt you, cannot prevent you from forgiving them. We often ask someone we have hurt for their forgiveness, but what we are really doing is, telling them how sorry we are and asking them to acknowledge your remorse is genuine and accepting your apology. Similarly, they are able to forgive us, so that they can move past the hurt and pain, without our apology. However, if they accept our apology, it does not guarantee they will allow the situation to be repeatable.
Forgiveness Does Not Mean Being a Doormat
Forgiveness does not mean we are a doormat for anyone, where we knowingly put ourselves back into a situation where we already have been hurt. Staying away from a person or situation being repeated doesn't mean you haven't forgiven, it means, you are protecting yourself from being hurt again. That's sensible.
Forgiveness and Trust
The young couple in the image above appear to have something painful between them. One may have hurt the other, or been unfaithful. The couple appears to be both suffering a deep pain, and this pain has been genuinely accepted by each other as they hold hands. However, this does not mean trust has been restored in the relationship, as once trust has been broken; it is a long road back to rebuilding. In some instances, once the trust has been broken between friends, lovers or partners, it remains broken no matter if forgiveness has been practiced.
Re-establishing trust and forgiveness are two completely different entities, and should not be confused. If someone has hurt me, I can forgive them, however, experience and wisdom tell me, that I may not be able to trust this person again. Of course each situation is different and only those involved can know what is best.
In a situation where trust has been broken repeatedly, while we are able to still forgive, we may decide it is best not to remain in that situation or go back to it. We are given wisdom to make better choices based on all the information we have available to us.
Forgive and Forget
Forgive and forget are two words we hear together, and to a certain degree, they sum up what the forgiveness process involves. However, the forget part of the equation is not what most people think it is. After we have made the conscious decision to forgive, we then implement the next stage, of forgetting. This is as misunderstood as forgiveness, and yet vital to the process for our healing.
Forgetting means that we are no longer going to consciously keep alive and reminding ourselves of the event, as we have decided to shelve the pain associated with what happened. By shelving, we simply decide to put that memory into a box in our mind, and store it out of sight on a top shelf, so that we can heal without bringing it up in our memory regularly. By remembering it regularly, we are reliving the pain over and over as if it was happening to us today. This renews the pain and hurts, and keeps the pain, anger and hurt current.
Further to the forget part of forgiveness, involves letting go. We are not saying it didn't happen, we are not saying it didn't hurt or affect us, we are simply making a conscious choice to "let go" of the event. Some people describe this as surrendering to the universe, or giving it to your maker. If we choose to have the person in our lives, this means, we let go of the feelings of anger and resentment we have for that person. We give them a clean slate, and refrain from raising the issue with them or holding it against them. This is not easy when you have been hurt, this process takes a lot of love to bring change into your heart, and may need revisiting many times to renew your decision.
Shelving the Pain and Memories
By shelving the memory, we are allowing space in our lives, separating ourselves from the emotional attachment we have to the event. This is a time when we have to be vigilant about our thoughts, paying attention to the thoughts we are having, and to our conversations. Avoid talking about the issue, and if someone raises the issue with you, politely tell them you are trying to heal from it and would prefer not to talk about it with them.
Forgetting does not mean sweeping it under the carpet.
Most people believe that the forgetting part in forgiveness simply means we forget it happened, and move on. But it doesn't. To completely forget means that we could put ourselves into an unsafe position later with that same person. Forgetting does not mean sweeping it under the carpet. Forgetting can mean we could be minimising the pain and suffering caused to another person who was also affected. Some people choose to forget without forgiving, thinking that will work, although all that is doing, is blocking it out of your mind. It has not been dealt with properly, and again can affect others who may have been affected by the same event.
So why is forgiveness important to our future?
The young couple in the image above appear to have something painful between them. One may have hurt the other, or been unfaithful. The couple appears to be both suffering a deep pain, and this pain has been genuinely accepted by each other as they hold hands. However, this does not mean trust has been restored in the relationship, as once trust has been broken; it is a long road back to rebuilding. In some instances, once the trust has been broken between friends, lovers or partners, it remains broken no matter if forgiveness has been practiced.
Re-establishing trust and forgiveness are two completely different entities, and should not be confused. If someone has hurt me, I can forgive them, however, experience and wisdom tell me, that I may not be able to trust this person again. Of course each situation is different and only those involved can know what is best.
In a situation where trust has been broken repeatedly, while we are able to still forgive, we may decide it is best not to remain in that situation or go back to it. We are given wisdom to make better choices based on all the information we have available to us.
Forgive and Forget
Forgive and forget are two words we hear together, and to a certain degree, they sum up what the forgiveness process involves. However, the forget part of the equation is not what most people think it is. After we have made the conscious decision to forgive, we then implement the next stage, of forgetting. This is as misunderstood as forgiveness, and yet vital to the process for our healing.
Forgetting means that we are no longer going to consciously keep alive and reminding ourselves of the event, as we have decided to shelve the pain associated with what happened. By shelving, we simply decide to put that memory into a box in our mind, and store it out of sight on a top shelf, so that we can heal without bringing it up in our memory regularly. By remembering it regularly, we are reliving the pain over and over as if it was happening to us today. This renews the pain and hurts, and keeps the pain, anger and hurt current.
Further to the forget part of forgiveness, involves letting go. We are not saying it didn't happen, we are not saying it didn't hurt or affect us, we are simply making a conscious choice to "let go" of the event. Some people describe this as surrendering to the universe, or giving it to your maker. If we choose to have the person in our lives, this means, we let go of the feelings of anger and resentment we have for that person. We give them a clean slate, and refrain from raising the issue with them or holding it against them. This is not easy when you have been hurt, this process takes a lot of love to bring change into your heart, and may need revisiting many times to renew your decision.
Shelving the Pain and Memories
By shelving the memory, we are allowing space in our lives, separating ourselves from the emotional attachment we have to the event. This is a time when we have to be vigilant about our thoughts, paying attention to the thoughts we are having, and to our conversations. Avoid talking about the issue, and if someone raises the issue with you, politely tell them you are trying to heal from it and would prefer not to talk about it with them.
Forgetting does not mean sweeping it under the carpet.
Most people believe that the forgetting part in forgiveness simply means we forget it happened, and move on. But it doesn't. To completely forget means that we could put ourselves into an unsafe position later with that same person. Forgetting does not mean sweeping it under the carpet. Forgetting can mean we could be minimising the pain and suffering caused to another person who was also affected. Some people choose to forget without forgiving, thinking that will work, although all that is doing, is blocking it out of your mind. It has not been dealt with properly, and again can affect others who may have been affected by the same event.
So why is forgiveness important to our future?
- Forgiveness is the gift you give to yourself.
- It gives you freedom to live a better future, without past events and hurts clouding the way you see the world around you.
- Forgiveness opens up your future, and brings healing and love to the corners of your heart where there was pain, anger and suffering.
- Are you needing to practice more forgiveness in your life?
- What is holding you back from forgiving those who have hurt you?
- What would you feel like if you released the pain you are carrying, let go of the emotional attachment, and forgave those who wrong you?
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Aspire to Inspire - words to encourage and stir the soul
All articles are the original works of Leah Andrea, and as such, all ownership and rights belong to author.
Using or copying in part or in whole is strictly prohibited unless prior permission is granted in writing by the author.
Contact Leah on [email protected]
All articles are the original works of Leah Andrea, and as such, all ownership and rights belong to author.
Using or copying in part or in whole is strictly prohibited unless prior permission is granted in writing by the author.
Contact Leah on [email protected]